When It’s Not About You: Understanding Projection and How To Protect Your Peace
Projection: We all do it, but that doesn’t mean it’s fair.
Projection is one of those sneaky psychological habits most of us slip into now and then often without realizing it. I project. You project. It’s simply part of being human.
But understanding why we do it, and learning how to spot it in others, can be a game changer for your emotional health and relationships.
The Psychology Behind Projection
Projection is a classic psychological defense mechanism first introduced by Sigmund Freud, and later expanded on by psychoanalysts like Carl Jung. In simple terms, it’s a way the unconscious mind defends itself from feelings that are too difficult to face head-on, such as guilt, shame, anger, or self-doubt.
When those feelings become too overwhelming, our brains interpret them as a threat and, because our brain’s primary function is to ensure our survival, it attempts to offload these “threats” onto others. In all honesty, it isn’t usually intentional, but rather an automatic response—a psychological shortcut that temporarily soothes a person’s internal discomfort by making it someone else’s problem. Think of it like emotional hot potato; instead of holding their own pain, they toss it to you.
So what causes someone to project?
Low self-awareness: People who struggle to sit with uncomfortable emotions or reflect on their own behavior are more likely to project.
Repressed emotions: When a person has unresolved feelings (from trauma, insecurity, or childhood wounds), projection allows them to disown those feelings rather than deal with them.
Cognitive dissonance: When someone’s behavior doesn’t align with their values or self-image, their brain may project blame onto others to avoid the discomfort of that conflict.
Emotional immaturity: Those who lack emotional regulation skills may find projection easier than practicing introspection or communication.
Ultimately, projection the ego in the moment, but it comes at a cost. Chronic projection, over time, has great potential to damage relationships and prevent a person’s personal growth and self-development.
Understanding this doesn’t mean you need to tolerate being someone’s emotional scapegoat. But having this knowledge can help you depersonalize what’s happening when you’re in an argument or conversation with someone who is projecting and respond from a more calm, empowered place.
Everyday Examples of Projection
Scenario 1: The Outfit Commenter
Your friend who’s been struggling with body image makes a snide remark when someone walks by in a bold outfit: “Did you see what she’s wearing?! I can’t believe she’d wear that in public.”
What’s actually happening? Your friend might be feeling insecure and uncomfortable in her own skin. Instead of addressing that discomfort, she redirects it outward onto someone who appears confident.
Scenario 2: The Critical Coworker
You work with someone who’s constantly nitpicking others. One day, she vents about a colleague: “Ugh, John is just so arrogant. He always needs to be right.”
And yet… she’s the one who often dominates conversations and brushes off others’ opinions. Without realizing it, she’s calling out traits she hasn’t accepted in herself.
Here’s an even deeper example:
Let’s say you’re in a relationship with someone who constantly accuses you of being unfaithful—asking who you were texting, where you were, why you were five minutes late.
You’re trustworthy. You know you’ve done nothing wrong. But the accusations keep coming. Eventually, you find out that they’ve actually been the one cheating.
What’s going on here? They may be feeling guilt and shame over their own behavior—but instead of owning those emotions, they project them onto you.
It’s far easier for people to point the finger than face the mirror. This often stems from a person’s own emotional immaturity and difficulty with self-regulation.
How to Tell When Someone Is Projecting & What To Do When It Happens
Here’s a quick guide to help you spot it:
The accusation feels extreme or misplaced.
If someone is accusing you of something wildly out of character, or blowing a small issue out of proportion, it could be projection.
They’re not really listening.
Conversations feel one-sided, like they’re arguing with a version of you that doesn’t exist—but might resemble them.
They act like they know your inner world better than you do.
Statements like “you only did that because…” or “you’re just jealous” can be a sign they’re speaking from their own experience, not yours.
When it happens:
Stay grounded. Remind yourself of what you know to be true about you.
Don’t call it out directly. Saying “you’re projecting” will almost always trigger defensiveness. It’s better to disengage or set a boundary like, “If you continue [insert unacceptable behavior here], then I will leave this conversation.”
Reflect—but don’t internalize. Ask yourself, does any part of this resonate? If not, let it go. If it does, sit with it—but make sure you don’t take on responsibility for someone else’s unprocessed emotions.
Ultimately, when someone is projecting onto you, it says more about their inner world than yours. Try your best to stay curious, stay compassionate—but most of all, stay rooted in your truth.
