Stoic, Not Sorry: A Modern Woman’s Guide to Letting Go
If you’ve been paying attention to, well, everything lately, you may have noticed that there seems to be a quiet but powerful revolution taking place in many women’s lives.
From things like embracing a “soft life” on social media to more women setting boundaries or shutting work fully off at the end of the work day, more and more women seem to be collectively focused less on doing more, and more on letting go.
I mean, it’s certainly about time. In a culture that tells us to be effortlessly perfect—productive, beautiful, kind, ambitious, calm, supportive, sexy but not “too much”—the result is a collective emotional burnout. Behind the curated smiles in meetings and carefully chosen words in discussion with our peers are real feelings women have long been told and conditioned to hide: exhaustion, anger, loneliness, and, ultimately, the quiet grief of self-abandonment.
So, if you’ve ever swallowed your truth to keep the peace, apologized for having boundaries, or worried that someone wouldn’t like you if you were fully yourself—this post is for you as much as it was for me to reflect upon and write.
Let’s talk about the courage it takes to stop people‑pleasing, to walk away from expectations, and to embrace a new kind of strength: one rooted in Stoic wisdom, self-trust, and the radical permission to be disliked.
What Stoicism Teaches (and Why It’s a Game-Changer for Women)
If you paid attention in philosophy class, you may know that Stoicism, a school of Hellenistic philosophy founded in ancient Greece, teaches that the path to a good life lies in mastering one’s emotions, living in alignment with nature and reason, and focusing only on what one can control.
At its core, Stoicism is about developing inner peace by shifting your attention away from the uncontrollable—the behavior of others, external events, or outcomes—and toward your own thoughts, values, and actions. Its principle belief is that true freedom comes not from changing the world, but from changing your relationship to it.
Although Stoicism is often mischaracterized as cold or detached, it’s actually a deeply empowering philosophy when you think about it. Because it’s not about suppressing emotion, but rather understanding it—and learning to respond with clarity instead of reactivity.
“Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: Some things are within our control, and some things are not.”
— Epictetus
This clarity can be life-changing, especially for women who have been socialized to manage others’ emotions, people-please, anticipate everyone’s needs, and avoid being “too difficult.”
Recent psychological research confirms the Stoics were onto something. A 2020 study published in The Journal of Contextual Behavioral Science found that acceptance-based strategies (similar to Stoic thinking) were associated with lower stress and better emotional regulation, particularly among women navigating high-stakes environments.
When we internalize this truth of, “I can’t control how others behave, only how I respond,” we stop leaking our power, and we have the space to then focus on what’s truly within our control: our energy, our choices, our peace.
The “Let Them” Theory: A Modern Take
Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the last 6 or so months, you’ve probably seen or heard mention of Mel Robbins’s new book, The Let Them Theory. The “Let Them” concept took over social media because Mel’s book put this timeless Stoic philosophy into modern, bite-sized clarity.
“If someone walks out of your life, let them. If they say something rude, let them. If they don’t like you, let them.”
— Mel Robbins
The phrase “let them” may sound overly simple, but its resonance is profound; it flips the emotional script from “Why are they doing this to me?” to “What do I choose to do for me? This is Stoicism in disguise.
Let Them is a practice in surrendering what’s not yours to hold: others’ opinions, behavior, energy, approval. For women who have spent years, and oftentimes decades, of their lives, this is a really powerful shift. It’s choosing one’s own emotional sovereignty, and reclaiming personal agency over how you show up and react to the world around you.
The Courage to Be Disliked: A Philosophy for Emotional Freedom
One of my absolute favorite books is by Japanese philosopher Ichiro Kishimi and psychologist Fumitake Koga, called The Courage to Be Disliked. Written in a really unique dialogue between two people, the book explores the work of Alfred Adler, a contemporary of the more widely known Freud and Jung. Adler believed that our unhappiness often stems from the mistaken belief that we must live to meet others’ expectations.
Adlerian psychology aligns with Stoicism in its focus on personal agency. It argues that happiness comes not from external approval, but from having the courage to live a life of meaning—even if others disapprove. The book challenges everything we’ve been taught about validation, success, and self-worth, even going so far as to say that all problems are interpersonal relationship problems, usually due to people taking on what’s not theirs (in the book, Kishimi and Koga use the term “tasks” to explain this concept; i.e. my task is not to monitor or “fix” your emotions; that is your task). The book invites readers to ask: What if you stopped needing to be liked and started needing to be whole instead?
For women—who are often punished socially and professionally for being assertive, direct, or non-conforming—this idea can be both terrifying and liberating. But something I’ve thought of over the years since reading the book has been, What would it look like to live without contorting yourself to be palatable? How would you show up? What would you say, do, wear, or walk away from if you took full agency over your choices and didn’t fear (or care about) disapproval or opinions of others?
Why People‑Pleasing Is So Hard to Unlearn
Let’s be honest: many of us didn’t become people-pleasers because we’re weak. We became people-pleasers because it was safe. Maybe being agreeable kept the peace at home. Maybe being nice kept you employed. Maybe being a high achiever earned you praise, affection, or protection when you were a child.
In many cases, people-pleasing is a conditioned survival skill—especially for women who’ve been punished for saying no, speaking up, or expressing anger for much of history.
In fact, a 2022 study published in Social Psychological and Personality Science found that women are perceived more negatively than men when expressing dominance or self-promotion—leading many to internalize that being liked is far safer than being honest or our truest selves.
But people-pleasing always comes at a cost: disconnection from self. You slowly lose your voice, your instincts, your boundaries, and, over time, the resentment builds until you’re either numb or explosive.
Reclaiming Control: A Stoic Approach to Self-Trust
So how do we undo the pressure to please? We learn to focus on what we can control and free ourselves from the responsibility of needing to control everything else. This shift is subtle, but seismic because when you stop managing everyone else’s experience, you finally have room to manage your own.
5 Practices for Letting Go and Being Okay with Being Disliked
The “Let Them” Pause
When you feel the urge to fix, explain, or over-accommodate, pause.
Say aloud or silently: “Let them ______.” For instance, let them get mad. Let them be disappointed. Let them learn to solve this on their own.
Then return to yourself: What do I want? What do I need? Maybe it’s a walk. Maybe it’s a quiet space to think or feel less overstimulated. Maybe it’s a glass of water.
By actively turning your thoughts away from what you can’t control and to what you can, you’re also conditioning your brain (thanks, neuroplasticity!) to begin thinking this way in the future so it will become more and more easy over time.
2. Write the “Unsent Letter”
Instead of trying to force a conversation or explanation when you’re activated, write down what you’d like to say—just for you. Express the anger, hurt, or truth and go into as much detail as you’d like… but don’t send it. This activity gives you space to feel, honor, and process your feelings without needing validation from the other party.
3. Try a Week of “No Apologies”
Notice how often you say “sorry” when you’re not actually at fault. If you’re anything like me, it' happens way more often than you actively notice. For a week, practice replacing apologies with statements:
Instead of “Sorry, one sec!”, say: “I need a moment.”
Instead of “I’m sorry, I wish I could!”, say: “I’m not available for that.”
Instead of “So sorry I’m late!”, say: “Thanks for waiting on me.”
4. Practice Being MisunderstoodThis one can be really hard for recovering people-pleasers, but it can be transformative! I really encourage you to give it a try: Actively let someone have a false perception of you without correcting them.
Yes, it will feel uncomfortable. Yes, you’ll be itching to fix their perception of you—but with time, it will feel freeing and you’ll soon begin to realize how much weight you carry from the burden of needing everyone to “know” and “get” you.
5. Rebuild Self-Trust with Micro-ChoicesLearning to trust ourselves after years of people-pleasing and having everyone else’s needs and opinions matter more can be a daunting battle. So, think about starting small. Try doing just one small thing each day that’s just for you:
Say no when you actually want to — this could be for friend dinners, movie nights, cooking a meal, etc.
Take a long walk without screens or music — spending time away from our screens and constant stimulation can be uncomfortable for many because it forces us to be alone with our thoughts. But we all deserve bits of quiet in our chaotic lives; giving space for alone time helps recharge us and gives us time to get to know ourselves a little bit better, too.
Wear the outfit –– even if it doesn’t match, even if it’s not “trendy”. The point is to make choices that YOU want to make, opinions of others be damned!
Final Thought
Each time you honor your truth, you strengthen your inner authority. Having the courage to be disliked doesn’t mean being unkind or self-centered; it means no longer sacrificing your authenticity on the altar of everyone else’s approval or opinions. It means you are willing to be misunderstood in order to be at peace. It means choosing you—again and again—until it no longer feels like rebellion, but like coming home.
What would your life be like if you learned to just go ahead and let people do, say, and think what they’re going to — and let you focus on yourself?
I dare you to try!