A Beginner’s Guide to Reparenting Yourself and Breaking Old Patterns
There’s something quietly radical about deciding to take care of yourself in the way you always needed but maybe never received.
And that’s what reparenting is all about. Reparenting is the conscious process of giving yourself the emotional support, boundaries, play, and care that may have been missing during your childhood.
It’s not about blaming parent-figures. It’s about reclaiming your sense of self. Because as an adult, you’re not waiting around for someone else to meet your needs anymore. You’re becoming the safe, nurturing, wise presence you’ve needed for yourself.
What Is Reparenting, Really?
In a world that tells us to hustle, ignore our feelings, and perform for approval, reparenting says: slow down. Tune in to yourself. Because your needs matter, and your joy matters. Your emotions are not inconvenient—they’re information.
When we make the conscious effort to begin reparenting ourselves, we begin to notice where our conditioning has taught us to override our natural instincts. We stop looking for validation of our worth from others and we start learning how to meet our own physical, emotional, and spiritual needs in real time.
And let me be clear, this process isn’t linear. It’s not one-size-fits-all. It’s not easy, nor a quick solve. But this is the work. And while it’s a constant work-in-progress, it is deeply healing.
The Four Pillars of Reparenting
One of my favorite psychologists, Dr. Nicole LePera (aka The Holistic Psychologist) outlines in her book How To Do The Work four areas to focus on when learning how to reparent yourself: emotional regulation, self-discipline, self-care, and child-like wonder.
These aren’t strict rules, per se, rather they’re invitations to start noticing what your inner child still craves within each of these areas and where you already may be doing a great job.
1. Emotional Regulation
When we were children, most of us weren’t taught how to feel our feelings. Usually we were taught to hide them, apologize for them, or numb them away. And we (usually) aren’t taught this with malicious intent, but rather our parent-figures never learned how to feel their feelings because of their parents own patterning. It’s a skill you have to learn and if you’re never taught or made aware of what’s healthy, the natural response would be to tell the child to stop crying or to say sorry for saying how they felt. At the end of the day, emotional regulation is about building the capacity to sit with and simply observe our emotions without judgment.
This can look like:
Practicing deep belly breathing when you feel activated
Noticing the sensations in your body when emotions come up
Letting yourself feel—even when it’s messy or inconvenient
Witnessing your reactions without shaming yourself for having them
2. Loving Discipline
This isn’t punishment. It’s showing up for yourself because you love yourself—not to earn love.
This looks like:
Keeping small promises to yourself daily
Creating rituals that nourish your nervous system (think: morning stretches, tea before bed, Sunday reset routines)
Saying no to things that drain you—even if others won’t understand
Setting boundaries and holding them, even when it’s uncomfortable
Speaking to yourself with kindness, not criticism
Loving discipline helps rebuild trust with yourself. You prove, over and over, that you’re no longer abandoning yourself.
3. Self-Care
Not bubble baths and spa days (unless that’s your thing). I’m talking real self-care, the kind that supports your mind, body, and spirit long-term.
This looks like:
Going to bed a little earlier so your brain has time to rest
Eating nourishing meals you made with care
Moving your body in ways that feel good (dance breaks totally count)
Getting sunlight on your skin and breathing fresh air outside
Spending quality time with someone who truly sees you
4. Childlike Wonder
Wonder is a survival skill. It connects us to joy, creativity, and possibility—things many of us were forced to abandon when we were children in order to be more “productive” or “good.” Play isn’t frivolous. It’s medicine.
This looks like:
Dancing around your kitchen for no reason
Singing in the car, other people red lights be damned
Trying something new just because it sounds fun
Making art, baking something silly, complimenting a stranger
Doing the thing that made you happiest as a kid (yes, even rollerblading)
What This Work Actually Feels Like
Reparenting is hard. It can bring up loneliness, anger, and grief. You might wish your parent-figures could validate what you went through; you might want apologies or hope for resolution. But healing is not about getting your parent-figures to understand—it’s about you understanding you.
If you want to start learning how to reparent yourself, this this: Ask yourself, “What am I needing most right now?” Then choose one of the four pillars and give that to yourself today, in whatever way possible, big or small.
Start Today
Reparenting yourself is one of the most powerful gifts you can give your future. It’s a lifelong practice of showing up. It’s how you slowly begin to rewrite the story from neglect to nurture, from survival mode to self-trust, from emotional chaos to calm.
Every time you choose to regulate your emotions, set a boundary, or care for yourself without shame, you’re telling your inner child: I’ve got you now. And the more you practice reparenting, the safer and more supported your inner world becomes, no matter what’s happening outside of you.
You don’t have to go back and fix the past. But you can give yourself the care and compassion you always deserved, starting now.
