How to Calm Your Nervous System When You're Stuck in Fight-or-Flight
You know that feeling?
The one where your chest feels tight, your thoughts can’t stop spinning, and you always feel a little on edge? For years, I thought this was just how life felt. I genuinely believed that's what being an adult looked like in our day and age. Like if you cared enough, worked hard enough, tried enough, you'd just always be a little wound up and that was the price you paid.
But then I started learning more about the autonomic nervous system, how it functions, and its role in our daily lives, and it was a big unlock for me.
Here's what society doesn’t tell you: living in a constant state of ‘tired, but wired’ is not normal. And it’s because much of society actually benefits from you being exhausted with no energy. It capitalizes on the fact that you’re tired and burnt out because it can ultimately sell you things to ‘fix’ it. But what you need isn’t a new routine or pill or book. It’s actually something incredibly simple that you already own: awareness of what your body is telling you. Once I understood this and learned that my nervous system has different modes—almost like gears in a car—so much suddenly made sense. I realized so many of the symptoms I was experiencing and beating myself up over were actually just side effects of my body working overtime to keep me safe, and by learning how to stay aware of my body and how it felt, I learned how to move myself out of this low-grade, constantly anxious/buzzing state and into a more relaxed, calm, gentle space that allows me to show up as the best version of myself.
The One Thing You Need to Know
More than anything, here’s what you need to remember: your nervous system is not your enemy. It's trying to protect you. Sometimes it just gets a little overzealous.
Think of your autonomic nervous system as your body's autopilot; it handles all the stuff you don't consciously think about, like your heart rate, breathing, digestion, how you respond to stress, etc. It's got two main settings that are always trying to balance each other out:
The sympathetic nervous system is your gas pedal. Fight, flight, or freeze. When it kicks in, everything speeds up: your heart races, breath becomes shallow, muscles tighten, and vision becomes tunneled. This bodily function was an incredible life-saving response for our ancestors back when we needed to constantly be on guard for actual predators. The catch is that our society and environments have drastically changed over thousands of years, and our brains really haven’t. Instead, our brains adapt to these new environments and yet still constantly scan for danger. The problem is that “danger” now likely means getting a Slack from your boss asking to speak to you about the report you presented, or a friend seeming distant or cold during a hang out. Essentially, the amygdala, a small primitive structure embedded deep in our brains that’s responsible for processing fear and anxiety, can't tell the difference between the threat of a tiger and the threat of a passive-aggressive email from your boss at 9 PM. To your brain, threat is threat.
The parasympathetic nervous system, in contrast, is your brake pedal. This state is where rest happens, where digestion is able to work properly, where you actually sleep well and are able to think clearly. Healing, creativity, genuine connection—they all live in this state. Quick note: these systems work together more than they work against each other—it's about which one is dominant at any given time.
In modern day, most of us are cruising around with the gas pedal pressed way too hard, way too often. So we constantly stay vigilant and on guard even when we're technically safe. And it’s not a personal failing at all; it’s just what happens when your body learns the world feels dangerous.
How to Tell When You're Stuck
The good news is that you can identify when you’re stuck in a particular state and you don't need a degree in neuroscience. It’s all about just paying attention.
Here are some signs your sympathetic nervous system is in overdrive:
Your brain won't shut up (racing thoughts, constant mental chatter)
You're exhausted but you can't actually relax (tired and wired)
You're breathing really shallow or literally holding your breath without realizing it
Your digestion is off, or you have zero appetite
Everything irritates you, or you cry at the smallest things
Even mundane stuff feels urgent and overwhelming
I know for me, a lot of these felt like everyday occurrences until I learned how to help guide my body back to a calm baseline.
How to Actually Help Your Body Calm Down
While you can't force yourself to relax, you can give your body little signals that say, "Don’t stress, we're safe now."
Start with breathing. I know, I know—everyone says this. But your breath is a key driver of determining which nervous system state you are in. Deep, intentional, slow breathing literally communicates to your nervous system the danger has passed. Deep, diaphragmatic breathing is best here. When faced with a threat, your body conserves breath with short, shallow breathing. This helps you run and escape danger. Therefore, the opposite is true of moving into a rest and digest state: breathing deep from your belly signals that there is no need to conserve breath, there is no danger you're prepared to run from. To practice diaphragmatic breathing, try breathing in through your nose for four counts. Feel your ribcage expand 360 degrees, like an umbrella opening up. Then, slowly, exhale out through your mouth for six or eight counts. The longer exhale here is what matters because it lowers your heart rate.
My favorite trick is something that was coined the “Physiological Sigh”: take two quick inhales through your nose (like a little double sniff), then one extra long exhale through your mouth. Do that a few times and you'll actually feel the shift in your body.
Then work with your senses. Your body responds to what it experiences. So go outside if you can, even for two minutes, and walk around. Let your eyes wander—look left, then right, take in your surroundings. This helps your amygdala and brain register that you're not in danger, that there are no predators in your periphery. That you are safe.
Other things that work very well: eating something slowly and really tasting it. Listening to music you love. Holding your coffee mug with both hands and feeling the warmth. Truly very simple stuff that has a very large impact.
Build in regulation where you can. Think of these as add-on exercises you can do in addition to your breathing and sensory work. Things like gentle movement (walking or stretching) help lower your stress response. Splashing cold water on your face, getting a massage or using a weighted blanket, even humming or singing help redirect your thoughts and signal to your vagus nerve that you are here, there is no threat. Another great one is spending time with your dog or your best friend — the impact our pets and community have on our health & wellbeing cannot be overstated.
Start small and pick one. You really don't have to overhaul your entire life. One small signal of safety is enough to start.
One Last Thing
We live in a world that glorifies being busy, stressed, and always on. Choosing to prioritize calm feels almost rebellious. But here's what I've learned: your body needs calm to function properly. You cannot be the best version of yourself if you’re constantly living in a stressed, activated state. Your brain works better when it’s calm. And while staying stressed might feel productive or like the only option to you right now, it's costing you more than you realize.
Learning to regulate your nervous system is like building any other skill or training any muscle: it takes practice, not perfection. The ability to bring yourself back to calm—over and over, even when it's hard—isn't just a nice to have wellness hack. It actually changes your life.
